First and foremost, I want to tell you that what you're about to read I've
never told anyone outside my immediate family. I have chosen to finally write about a painful part of my childhood, sexual abuse.
It all began so, so long ago...to be honest, I can't exactly remember when. As a young child I believed that my younger sisters dad was my dad as well. He was "Daddy" to me; the only Daddy I knew. And then it all changed. I was about 5 years old when my biological father told me that he was my dad. I was very confused. I didn't quite understand why it was happening to me. And I wasn't sure who was "Daddy" anymore. I began calling my sisters dad by his name, and
my father, Fernie..which is his nickname.
Fernie was living in a different city than us, and wouldn't come around very often. But when he did he would sometimes bring me gifts, and just buy me anything I wanted. As a kid, it was the greatest feeling in the world! And then eventually he'd ask me if I'd like to stay with him at his place, usually for a weekend. My mother would agree and let me go with him.
I can still remember Fernie's house; there wasn't a room for me. It was a three-bedroom house and the other two rooms were occupied by his family. I was to share a room with him. And that's where horrible things begin to happen. I remember waking up one night, I was about six or seven years old, he was laying behind me and I could feel his penis on my backside. I was awakened by his movement, him rubbing himself on my clothed behind. I didn't move; I didn't want him to know I had woken up. I was in shock and didn't know how to react, or even if I should. So I then turn to lay on my back believing he would stop. And he does...for a moment. No matter which way I turn, he would still continue to rub himself on me. This would go on for several years, anytime I was around him. And eventually he would become more comfortable doing it. He would find any way possible to have his penis touching any part of my body; whether it was by him playing with me, brushing my hair or just standing next to me. I was afraid to tell my mother what was going on. I felt I somehow encouraged his advances. I was ashamed and didn't want to make the situation any more difficult than it already was. I felt isolated; no one knew what Fernie had been doing to me all this time.
Then, when I am about 11 years old, my mom decides we're going to move to Oklahoma to live with her boyfriend. Initially, I believed everything would get better, considering I was hundreds of miles away from Fernie. But that didn't last too long. I had once again become the target of another abuser. Although this time it wasn't as frequent, or even to the extent of what I had previously gone through with Fernie. [And I know now that that doesn't make it acceptable.] I became rebellious and I felt as if I couldn't trust anyone.
About a year later, in 2000, I moved to Garland, Texas with my mother and sister. We stayed with my mothers cousin, Sharon*, and her family. And for the first time in a long time I felt safe, and happy. I met family I had never known, I made new friends and even felt a sense of belonging.
It was exhilarating! I didn't want to think about all the horrible things I had previously experienced. And from that point on, I just wanted to be on my own. I no longer wanted to be under my mothers authority. And a few months later my mother moves back to Oklahoma. I stay.
In 2001 I move to Dallas with another one of my mothers cousins, Janet*. She allowed me to stay with her after I had mentioned that I didn't want to live with my mother and her boyfriend. And for a few months it's just me and Janet living together. Everything is
great. Then one day she says that we're going out of town to pick up her daughter, Ashley*; she's moving in with us. Ashley is about two years younger than I am and we quickly develop a friendship. And after a few weeks or so she was more like a sister to me. We were
always causing mischief!
I begin my eighth grade school year at Forest Meadows. Soon after, I meet Derek*. He was the first person that captured my attention when I walked into school. He was tall, handsome and had
amazing hair! We began dating in December and just fell in love right away. It's the first time in my life that I feel
so loved. And he'd do anything he could to put a smile on my face. There were times where I didn't want to let him go. I would cry when he'd have to go back home. I just wanted to be with him...always. I couldn't even imagine moving away, and leaving him behind. But unfortunately, in the summer of 2002, that day does come.
As I mentioned earlier, Ashley and I would make trouble from time to time. But it was in the last few weeks before I left Dallas that it got
serious. I can remember the day I left
veryboombox was blaring. Janet tells the boys to leave and shuts the front door.
She's furious! I remember her picking up the boombox and throwing it to the wall, so strongly that it put a hole in the wall. I was a
little scared at that point. She then called Ashley into her bedroom and shut the door. I was still sitting on the couch, not far from Janet's bedroom. I could clearly hear Janet shouting at Ashley...and then,
WHAM! I hear the sound of a belt whipping. At that point I
knew I was getting it next. I was seriously thinking about running out of the front door while I had the chance...but I didn't. Sure enough, I was called in next. She doesn't tell me much, but still gives me a couple of whips with the belt. In my mind I was so annoyed with all that had been going on. I felt as if I was always getting in trouble for things I didn't do. That wasn't the first time she put the belt on me. I knew it was wrong; my own mother wouldn't even discipline me to that extent. I was a little more than upset. I grabbed my personal phone book and walked to a nearby pay phone. I called my mother and explained to her how I was feeling and that I didn't want to live with Janet anymore. She was in Oklahoma and had no way of coming to get me. My last resort was Fernie. At first I was hesitant about moving in with him. Considering what he had done to me in the past, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Although I also felt as if I didn't have any other choice. I explained the situation to him and he arranged for his sister to pick me up later that night. I packed up my belongings and was ready to leave. Derek showed up just before I was about to head out. We talked a bit, said our goodbye's and I left Dallas.
I was 14 years old when I moved to Alton, Texas to live with Fernie. I remember having so many mixed emotions; It was absolutely overwhelming for me. I didn't want to think about Fernie abusing me again. I believed that since I was older and more perceptive of right and wrong that he wouldn't touch me inappropriately again. I tried to think positive, "It's gonna be okay", I'd tell myself. And It took me about a week to finally begin to settle in. It was only Fernie and his mother (my grandmother) living in the house, so I had my own room. Fernie's brother, James* (my uncle), was living in the garage. Living in that house was somewhat uncomfortable. I wasn't too familiar with Fernie's side of the family, being that I hadn't been around them much. So I always stayed in my room, and kept to myself.
My first day of school went quite well. I made a few new friends, which was
really comforting. Being with them, I was able to smile and leave behind all my troubles. No one knew
anything about what I had suffered. I enjoyed going to school; It was the only escape from my reality. About two weeks after moving in with Fernie, he began showing some odd behaviors. Things I felt just weren't right. When we would go shopping, if I wanted to try something on he'd make me come out and show him. He would tell me to turn around so he can see the back; It was
really uncomfortable. Sometimes he would make inappropriate comments about me and/or my body. Most of the time I just tried to ignore it. He wouldn't allow me to to wear button-up shirts; He said that boys will be able to see through the gaps between the buttons. I thought it was ridiculous. At one point he got upset because I wanted to wear a pair of windbreaker-type pants to the movie theater. He said they were "too easy to get into". I was going to meet my boyfriend there, and Fernie was going to be with us as well. My boyfriend and I were
not sexually active and I had
absolutely no intentions of letting something happen. So I was confused, and upset that he was thinking that way about me. I wondered whether it was normal for a father to feel or think that way about his daughter. And I never,
ever believed that he had my best interest at heart.
One day, Fernie asks me if he can sleep in my room. I ask him why and he doesn't really give me a reason. He just says that he wouldn't bother me and that he'll sleep on the floor. I said,
fine. At times he would stay up at night and talk to me. And he would wake up about an hour before me, to get ready for work. I didn't feel as if I had anything to worry about. But all that changed in one night. I was awoken; Fernie was on top of me and my pants are down on my thighs. And he is rubbing his penis on my bare behind. I immediately try to get up, but he holds me down, tells me to be quiet and says "Just let me, I'm not going to put it in". I'm crying, scared and I repeatedly ask him to get off of me. After about five minutes or so he gets off of me and goes to sleep in his room. I remember laying there in my bed wondering what was going to happen next. I
just wanted for it to stop...but it had only gotten worse. Fernie began to act very unusual,
insane really. He would, unexpectedly, get upset for no reason. I was always afraid to come home from school because I didn't know what to expect from him. But from that point on, he continued to sexually abuse me...to the extent that he
does penetrate me. I'm feeling
completely powerless. I have no one on my side, no one to protect me. And ultimately, he would tell me that if I didn't let him penetrate me that he wouldn't give/buy me anything that I needed. I couldn't ask him for anything.
How do you let someone rape you? I didn't understand it.
On one particular day, Fernie picked me up from school. He was very upset. I had no clue what had happened or why he was angry. He didn't speak one word to me when I got in the truck; He just sped off in rage.
I was terrified! He was driving recklessly. I thought I was going to die. He finally stops at an old, abandoned car wash and asks me if I had sex with
James (my uncle)! I was shocked, confused, frightened...I had
no idea how this thought came into his mind. I told him
no, absolutely not! That's my uncle! I didn't understand why he would have thought that. But soon, Fernie settles down and we head to the house.
It was a typical day at school, in early October, when I begin to feel sick. I was in class and felt as if I
really needed to vomit. I had my hand over my mouth and wasn't able to ask my teacher for the hall pass. But she understood, and just told me to go. I ran down the hall still covering my mouth, ran into the restroom and vomited. I wasn't sure why I was suddenly feeling sick. I call for Fernie to take me out of school early. When he picks me up, I explain what happened and tell him how I am feeling.
And he tells me that we're going to the store to buy a pregnancy test! I was terrified! I knew that what he had been doing to me was wrong, but I
never thought that I would get pregnant. I wasn't able to grasp the reality of everything Fernie was putting me through. And as soon as we get back to the house I immediately rush to the restroom to take the test. While waiting for the result, I remember praying to God that it would come out negative. And about two minutes later I get the answer...
positive. I was pregnant by my own father. It was completely
devastating. And for the next few days, I stay home from school. In my mind, the
only option for me was abortion. So I mentioned it to Fernie and he seemed somewhat hesitant. He began telling me that abortion was a sin and that I
shouldn't go through with it. I was baffled by his response.
A few days later, on October 12, 2002, Fernie takes me to an abortion clinic. I remember laying on the bed with my feet in the stirrups...Fernie was waiting in the hall. The procedure was quick, about 5 minutes. Afterwards, the doctor gave me instructions on post-abortion care, a receipt and then we left. I was feeling relieved,
and distraught...It was overwhelming.
There were many times when Fernie would question me about sleeping with his brother. It was almost every other day. But on this
one day he really let his disgusting imagination get to him. It was early morning, almost time for me to start getting ready for school. I was still laying in bed and Fernie was up getting ready for work. I would go to sleep listening to the radio and it was still on, right beside my bed. I remember laying there, listening to the music that was playing softly...I thought I had heard something, so I turned the music down. I wasn't quite sure what I had heard, possibly a faint exchange of words, and I heard a door shut. A few seconds later, Fernie walks into my room and asks why I had turned off the music. I told him about how I thought I heard something. And he tells me, "You knew it was him"...I had no idea why he said that, I still was unsure of what I had heard. So I asked, "who?"...It was my uncle James, which was kind of odd since he'd leave to work earlier in the morning. Fernie was furious. He believed that I knew James was there...like it was expected. Fernie then walks out of my room and shuts the door. I layed there in bed terrified. A few seconds after Fernie left my room, I heard a clattering sound; It was coming from the corner of Fernie's bedroom, which was adjacent to mine. When I heard
that, I immediately knew what he was getting. I layed there in bed, looking to the ceiling...with tears running down my face. Fernie walks into my room, I'm
terrified...and I feel like I can't move. From the corner of my eye I could see that he had something in his hand;
It was a rifle. I, without a doubt, realized that I was going to die. He then says, "You see this?". I slightly turn my head, and see the gun in his hands. I don't speak. And he says, "When I come home, he's first...and you're next." And he walks out of my room and leaves for work. When I heard the front door slam shut, I just broke down. I couldn't deal with it anymore; I was crying, scared...and I felt like I had no way out. I wanted to escape. I remember thinking about calling someone, or just running to the police station that was down the road. I even thought about asking my brother to come pick me up. But I felt like Fernie was watching every move I made. I was scared he'd catch me, and hurt me. I never got out of bed that morning. At noon, Fernie came home on his lunch break. He walked into my room and handed me a bag of my favorite chips.
I was confused! I wasn't sure what was going on in his head. He was acting like everything was okay...like everything that took place in the morning just didn't happen. I was relieved for the moment...but I was also wondering when he was going to snap again. I had to walk on eggshells and it was a horrible feeling. And on that night, he finally confronted James. James had absolutely no idea what was going on. In Fernie's demented mind, he was still convinced that my uncle James and I had had sex. He caused so much tension, confusion and bitterness. That night was very intense. But a few days later, I was finally free. I packed up my belongings and my aunt drove me two hours away to stay with some family.
Living with Fernie was,
by far, the most detrimental situation I've ever been in. To this day, I still haven't forgiven him for everything he's put me through. But I've been working on it...for the sake of my sanity, my life
and my family's as well. I've never shared this story, with this much detail, with anyone before. And there's so much more. If you have any questions and/or comments, please feel free to contact me.
(*names have been changed to protect the innocent)
